Maybe I’m insane, maybe I’m senseless, maybe my heart beat was never alive, maybe I was meant to be this, maybe I was born to be forgotten, maybe my life would never be in a way that I wanted, maybe there will be no future of mine, maybe.. maybe..
These things were running in my mind as I sat alone in my room staring at the wall in dim lights. The weather was a bit cold those days which felt a bit good. I was thinking about myself like why am I here? what else sorrow is there left to enter my life? How many complications are there left to come? etc. I am the type of person who advises every body to be strong, to believe in yourselves, to keep smiling, to never give up ever in their lives. But, hardly any one know that I am the same kind of a girl like them. I cry at late nights, I manage to give a fake smile, I laugh a lot, I dance alone or even in front of my friends or family, I sing loudly to feel better as it works like screaming out loud, I cry behind the doors, I try to harm myself (but never succeeded). I have lots of problems but I don’t know if you have more and complicated problems than me. It’s possible because we all don’t know each other’s lives. Every single person around you have a different life and different problems no matter how hard or easy they are to handle.
My eyes were wet and tears were running continuously but I hadn’t made any sound or cried. You know that crying? It’s the most broken cry and the harsh one you could ever have. The silence is the loudest scream we girls have and I don’t know if guys have it too, maybe we girls are Insane. I don’t know but hardly a person could understand what is going through a girl’s mind. Girls don’t show their feelings but you can easily see it just by looking in their eyes. The eyes of a girl never lies, it all says the truth. I am really good at hiding my feelings but somehow my loved one will knew from my voice tone that I’m upset or had a bad time somewhere.
A man will never want to say his feelings to anyone. They just don’t want to share their thoughts with anyone unless there’s someone beside them who they love a lot. They share their feelings who is always first from all the things present in their life. And you know that there’s always a woman who stays in one’s life to make it heaven or hell. It depends on that woman’s mind, heart and soul to make it better or even worse.
As I was crying for a lot of reasons, I was really angry about myself and the things present in it. It was really tough night for me that I can’t sleep. I went to bathroom and splashed water on my whole body and came back to the bed. I increased the speed of the fan that made me feel shivers from cold. I lay on my bed and just didn’t moved, but I was feeling really cold that at a moment I wished to die because it was painful, yeah! maybe I’m insane. My body became pale and cold and seeing that was kind of different feeling for me, I mean I smiled looking at my hands which pale. I repeated this a couple of times more because it was making me feel good at the same time. It was freezing, hurting, painful, shivering experience for me. It’s really weird right? as I have told you, maybe I’m insane.
It’s funny how we find ways to feel pain on our body instead of our heart. Don’t you think? I know problems really matter, they are really harsh and rigid, they’ll never leave us alone. But think! There is nothing more important than you, I should say this to me also. Just try not to complain about your problems to God. He made us for a reason and you know that one day there will be a day, after which there will be no tomorrow. Maybe I’m insane, I don’t have any right to say because I’m also into this, but I have to say this that please do not try to harm yourself. This will never give you any climax. Just trust me I’m sure you won’t be disappointed by the results.
One thing I want to say about myself, do not judge me about my existence. I mean if I have said that I the person who tries to harm herself, I believe in the words which are ‘Never give up, as there’s a lot to come, but there’s always a morning after a stormy night’.
Guys! please give me suggestion for how to control my mind. I’m really going insane. Just help me overcome that if you care about someone’s future life. 😉