Maybe I’m Insane..

Maybe I’m insane, maybe I’m senseless, maybe my heart beat was never alive, maybe I was meant to be this, maybe I was born to be forgotten, maybe my life would never be in a way that I wanted, maybe there will be no future of mine, maybe.. maybe..

These things were running in my mind as I sat alone in my room staring at the wall in dim lights. The weather was a bit cold those days which felt a bit good. I was thinking about myself like why am I here? what else sorrow is there left to enter my life? How many complications are there left to come? etc. I am the type of person who advises every body to be strong, to believe in yourselves, to keep smiling, to never give up ever in their lives. But, hardly any one know that I am the same kind of a girl like them. I cry at late nights, I manage to give a fake smile, I laugh a lot, I dance alone or even in front of my friends or family, I sing loudly to feel better as it works like screaming out loud, I cry behind the doors, I try to harm myself (but never succeeded). I have lots of problems but I don’t know if you have more and complicated problems than me. It’s possible because we all don’t know each other’s lives. Every single person around you have a different life and different problems no matter how hard or easy they are to handle.

My eyes were wet and tears were running continuously but I hadn’t made any sound or cried. You know that crying? It’s the most broken cry and the harsh one you could ever have. The silence is the loudest scream we girls have and I don’t know if guys have it too, maybe we girls are Insane. I don’t know but hardly a person could understand what is going through a girl’s mind. Girls don’t show their feelings but you can easily see it just by looking in their eyes. The eyes of a girl never lies, it all says the truth. I am really good at hiding my feelings but somehow my loved one will knew from my voice tone that I’m upset or had a bad time somewhere.

A man will never want to say his feelings to anyone. They just don’t want to share their thoughts with anyone unless there’s someone beside them who they love a lot. They share their feelings who is always first from all the things present in their life. And you know that there’s always a woman who stays in one’s life to make it heaven or hell. It depends on that woman’s mind, heart and soul to make it better or even worse.

As I was crying for a lot of reasons, I was really angry about myself and the things present in it. It was really tough night for me that I can’t sleep. I went to bathroom and splashed water on my whole body and came back to the bed. I increased the speed of the fan that made me feel shivers from cold. I lay on my bed and just didn’t moved, but I was feeling really cold that at a moment I wished to die because it was painful, yeah! maybe I’m insane. My body became pale and cold and seeing that was kind of different feeling for me, I mean I smiled looking at my hands which pale. I repeated this a couple of times more because it was making me feel good at the same time. It was freezing, hurting, painful, shivering experience for me. It’s really weird right? as I have told you, maybe I’m insane.

It’s funny how we find ways to feel pain on our body instead of our heart. Don’t you think? I know problems really matter, they are really harsh and rigid, they’ll never leave us alone. But think! There is nothing more important than you, I should say this to me also. Just try not to complain about your problems to God. He made us for a reason and you know that one day there will be a day, after which there will be no tomorrow. Maybe I’m insane, I don’t have any right to say because I’m also into this, but I have to say this that please do not try to harm yourself. This will never give you any climax. Just trust me I’m sure you won’t be disappointed by the results.

One thing I want to say about myself, do not judge me about my existence. I mean if I have said that I the person who tries to harm herself, I believe in the words which are ‘Never give up, as there’s a lot to come, but there’s always a morning after a stormy night’.

Guys! please give me suggestion for how to control my mind. I’m really going insane. Just help me overcome that if you care about someone’s future life. πŸ˜‰

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A Letter to my Daughter..

The day you will enter this world you will find so many kinds of people..

But sweety, don’t be afraid of them they are just illusion…

They will judge you, they will make you feel at worse,

They will do every thing what makes you feel upset..

They will always try to ruin you and destroy your confidence..

You will face a lot of difficulties here, But don’t you give up because I’ll be there to pick you up..

I promise I’ll take care of you when you fall ill..

I promise I’ll be there to pick you up and set up your Tiara..

I’ll never pressurize you for what you don’t want to do..

Sometimes, you will find me strict on you but that will be only for you..

This world will try to confuse you in your whole life..

Some will say you look exactly like your mum..

Some will say your eyes are like your mum’s..

Some will judge you about your looks and lumps..

I want you to feel happy about yourself..

Because you’re beautiful, don’t forget that my little sunshine..

Live life to the fullest and don’t worry about the negatives..

God will take care about them, when I’m gone..

Never ever ever give up on your dreams in any way..

Because not everyone got potential to do that..

Promise me you will be what I am not today..

You will do whatever your heart says and achieve things as much as you can..

I wish you’ll miss me when I’m gone, with a smile on your face but not tears..

Because I can’t see this pretty girl crying in fears..

I will do everything what makes you feel happy, brave and revive..

Since I know how it feels to live in a grave when you’re alive…

Shadows, My Shadows..

Shadows, My shadows..

Thank you for being here, with me..

Shadows, My shadows..

Thank you for being there, when I was all alone..

Thank you for wasting your time on me..

Shadows, My shadows..

The more light came, the stronger you became..

The weaker I went, the deeper you became..

Shadows, My shadows..

Well you know, I’ve faced a lot with you..

You know the pain, you know the truth..

Shadows, My shadows..

But where were you? when it all went dark..

When there was no sign of light..

When there was only me, left behind..

Shadows, My shadows..

Where were you? When I was screaming..

In fears of dark, in fears of life..

Shadows, My shadows..

You looks so still, so pure, so mysterious..

Sometimes I think you’re just an illusion..

Illusion of image of something divine..

Or I can say ‘the dark version of mine’..

Shadows, My shadows..

Thank you for being here, with me..

Shadows, My shadows..!

–xOx–

From the Diary of Another Girl.. Part 3

It was 12:00 am while I stayed in bed doing nothing on the name of studies but scanning the papers I found in my book. The atmosphere became serious in my room as I realized that it’s too late to start again the topic I decided to learn tonight. I scolded myself and got saddened by the fact that I have wasted my time of studies in reading some stuff which wasn’t going any where by tonight. I started to collect the papers and put them aside. Then I opened my books and tried to study even though I still wasn’t interested in them but somehow I tried to concentrate.

I didn’t took a look at them till 1:30 am which was really good. But somehow I left the control from my brain and decided to take a break because I have studied for an hour straightly and it was good (and funny too :D, because I do not usually do that). I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling for a minute. I was thinking about my future in medical line and imagining myself as a doctor who’s checking her patients in a private hospital and all that things which doctors do. ‘If I can’t be a doctor then I’ll be a lecturer in colleges’ was also a thought I got while staring at nowhere.

I sat and tried to make feel comfortable to back as I supported it with a pillow against the wall (heaven!). My hands automatically went to the book in which I have put those papers (not really automatically, but yeah it was an spontaneous act :D). I searched the papers I haven’t read yet and there were two of them. There were three poems left and I didn’t show my laziness to read them. Here they are-

O Damn You!

What’s going on in life

With you, without you..

You like the hell in my life,

You like the hell in my life..

I can’t forget you as much as I try,

I can do nothing, but cry..

The thing which is bore in my heart is your voice,

At that time I love to bore it as my choice..

The thing you showed me is your fake love,

Which holds my heart into new curves..

What’s going on in life,

With you, without you..!

O damn you, O damn you..!

–xOx–

The poem I found exactly below was something new for me. She told me it was for her parents. So here it is-

Shadows

In the shadows of my life,

I want to spend my whole life..

I know my life doesn’t like the words ‘I love you’,

So I never say I love you,

I just say I want you..

I want all the memories of my life,

Which was gone from my life so fast, so fast..

I want to live life again in my past, past,

In my past..!

This one is one of my favorites I tell you. And the next one is also one of my favorites! HAHA I know have so many favorites but what do I do if I have a brain which is bruised!. Sorry :p here we go for another one. The last one! 😦

Comes in my dream..

I am in the prison of memories,

I request you to help me please..

There is so much darkness in this room,

I want to leave this magic broom..

This all comes in my dream,

This all comes in my dream..!

–xOx–

I collected all the papers after I finished reading and again lost in my own thoughts of ‘what is my life?’. It seems funny right? but we all have that thought and we seriously think about it really deeply. We want to make things happen in our own way but somehow it doesn’t happen all the time. These papers in front of me are the secrets of a girl which are explaining everything of her life, yet nothing about her. It’s weird, isn’t it?

Some of us relate to these poems and some of us don’t. But still we can understand the pain of a girl which you guys haven’t seen, never heard of, never even met. A completely unknown girl who is all in front of us will never be the same again if we look at her now. She was broken at that time, she forced herself to be unbroken and she became! But hardly anyone know that she isn’t only unbroken, she is a Warrior. Warrior of her life, warrior of her happiness, warrior to be what she want to be, warrior of every moment she lived for.

The amazing women we have in this world who aren’t living their lives in their own way but in their father’s, brother’s and husband’s way. I don’t know for how long does it goes like this, when males lead the way for females. I don’t know for how long this world won’t accept the fact that we women are never born to follow, we were born to lead the way of our lives and of our children. If you have got the responsibility to guide your child then we women have the equal right to guide our children because we have given birth to them, exactly.

You are thinking why have I changed the topic from poems to women empowerment? There won’t be any problem in girl’s life if we provide rights and respect to her. There won’t be anyone who commits suicide and end their lives with incomplete dreams. It’s not about only for girls, it’s also for boys who needs guidance, respect and equal rights.

Just give every single a thought and think about your younger ones and your children. Are they really living their lives or are afraid to tell you what they want? Are they really ready to face the world? Are they not enjoying their lives and are they afraid of facing their problems alone? Please try not to make any other person to commit suicide. It’s not good for me to know any news about suicides. I hope you also belongs to me this time.

LIVE AND LET LIVE is the only thing I want to say this time.

 

From the Diary of Another Girl.. Part 2

As I finished reading the poem ‘I want to Die Young’, I tried to put those papers aside and concentrate on my studies but I failed because you know that I am not that fond of studying if I have something interesting in front of me. I again took out those papers and started scanning them. There was a lot of stuff written on it like some quotes, wordings, poems, some dialogues and other stuff. I’m gonna show you some of them:

  • The thing which I love about life, it has no rule book. (Oh yeah!)
  • History – mystery, new kid on the grid.Β 
  • The location of my future, there’s no rule book to it and that’s what I love about it.
  • What others think about you is none of your business.
  • In this beautiful world..
  • Be you!

I don’t know how she imagine life and how does she really see the things which we never tried to see. If it’s just me or you guys also didn’t got the second point? If yes, then please give me a Hi-Five! πŸ˜‰

I took a look at all the papers and they were all different from each other (obviously) they all had a different stuff and they all described the different situations of her life. I was feeling a different thing because there was a life of some other girl in front of me just like the way I like to describe my life in my own words in the form of poetries and quotations. Who is she? She is one of my best friends but she never explained these types of feelings of her. She never tried and I don’t know why. So, literally it was weird for me to read the different side of Ayesha, but I was liking the fact that I have got to know more about her so that our bond will get stronger, I guess. We girls are same if we are in the same age group. This thing is also same for boys. We same age group people know the other person better than we know ourselves.

So, the next poem I saw was a different one and the title was similar as that of a song of Taylor Swift’s ‘We are never getting back together’. But the whole thing was different let me share with you. Here we go-

We can never ever, ever, be together!

I found you as a heavens’ friend,

I thought it was no end..

But every thing was going wrong,

Like I play the hell’s song..

If you listen the lyrics I play,

Then you’ll feel what I want to say..

I don’t understand why our relation goes back side,

And it breaks me from inside..

We can never ever, ever, be together,

Which makes me single for ever..!

The last line is kinda relieving don’t you think? I mean single life is really better than being in a relationship. Well let’s stick to the topic we were talking about. There’s an another poem which is written exactly below this one so I’m gonna share that one too. Here we go for another one!

Love (You)

Let everyday be a new experience,

That fills your world with joy..

But you should also make sure that,

No one treats you like a toy..

You are not just like anyone,

And no one’s also just like you..

I don’t understand this,

No one will understand this..

This is incredible,

This is you!

and you are love..!

 

This was quite good, wasn’t it? Don’t think that these are my words! these purely, truly and deeply are words from the diary of another girl! I don’t lie πŸ™‚ I am a good girl. As I have read all of the poems I know that this girl is really going through the problems we all usually face in our teenage life. But can you think about writing every single thing down on a paper in a manner of poetic lines so that your problems become beautiful? It’s a deep stuff if you listen to me. If you don’t know how to write poems than you can simply write it like you are talking to yourself and just smack your dialogues on a paper or if you are an environment well wisher and don’t want to waste papers and save trees, you have your gadgets! Well obviously you have it as an alternative.

I want to reward you guys with an another poem! πŸ˜‰ I don’t want you to go easily but I have a better poem from these we have here above. It is written on the other page I have in front of me. I can’t wait to share it with you that is why I am including this one also because this is one the favorites of mine. I wasn’t planning but somehow I am… doing this. Alright here it is-

Be you!

This world has too many people,

Living other peoples lives..

It’s like everyone wants to be someone else,

Be this, Be that..!

Be someone you cannot be,

Be someone you don’t want to be..

May be you want to be me, who knows!

Do what makes you happy inside,

Do what makes you jump out of hell..

Be real, be true, be yourself..

Because, being you will never go out of minds of others..!

–xOx–

There’s more on ‘From the Diary of Another Girl’. So stay tuned for more and I think the next is also going to be something else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the Diary of Another Girl..

Yesterday I was going through some books of my high school and was just trying to pass the time because at night after 11 PM I feel usually bored! I don’t know if it’s just me, I can’t sleep at that time. I found some of books which I have lost that time and never knew that it was already in my cupboard from months. I found some other things like stickers which I had bought back then, some silly games which me and my friends have played on papers and other things. They brought back so many memories that I was literally smiling on the second thought of my school times and the silly things we used to do in classes. My bed became all messy which I didn’t realized at all, but it’s okay for me. I am used to it!

There was a book I finally found which I was looking for (I think), it was the book my brother brought for me when I was preparing for my BPT entrance test in Jamia Millia Islamia in early 2015. I took it out and I can’t explain how chilled my brain felt because it was really one of the best reference books I had in my previous days. It looked heavy due to some papers placed in it which were making it look more voluminous. I grabbed those papers who were torn out from a notebook and immediately I got to remembered what are they.

There was a bunch of five papers in my hand and I was literally feeling good after seeing them because the stuff written on them was belonged to one of my best friends, Ayesha. It was the collection of some poems written by her and I remember that she ripped those papers from her notebooks and gave them to me. I don’t know why she didn’t wanted to keep them, maybe they made her reminds of her past life but it’s not our topic to discuss about.

The first poem I have read was a really special one for me (and for her as well, I think!). It was written really well and I seriously love her style. Here we go for one of the beautiful works I have in front of me.

dsc00622

I want to Die Young..!

I want to die young,

No matter where is anything..

To find the love of heaven,

To find the peace of mind..

I want to die young,

I want to die young..!

Beyond the restrictions,

Beyond the ‘You’..

To find only me,

To find only me..

I want to die young,

I want to die young..!

To light up my world,

To light up my sin..

To heel up my wounds,

To heel up me..

I want to die young,

I want to die young..!

No matter where is anything..

For the heavens song,

I want to die young..

For the sake of loyalty,

I take a route of locality..

In the valleys of clone,

I am here alone..

I jump in the memories of past,

Which were gone so fast..

I want to stay beyond you-

beyond me..

To find only me,

To find only me..!

I will meet you there,

Where there’s no fear..!

–xOx–

I can’t tell you the feeling of reading some one else’s work without even knowing the story behind it. If you loved it then you just put your head up and stare at anything and just smile because you just felt something unknown which is good. I don’t know if Ayesha still writes or not but I wish she never give up on her this talent. This blog is dedicated only to her. She’s a great friend and a great human being. May God ease her life and just give what her heart wants.

I will share with you guys a series of this blog in which I will include only one poem of hers. I think it will be too long if I just write all of’em in same note. Let’s welcome a new talent in our WordPress world and I promise you guys, if this idea is going to work, I’m going to gift it’s success on her birthday!

Thank you so much for reading I hope you liked and I wonder if you guys will wait for the next one? maybe!

Bye! xoxo Β 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Crushed Reverie..

One day I was in my coaching sitting alone in the hall and staring at all the posters and pictures of students who cleared their entrances and got higher percentages than average students (like me). I kept staring at them and wondering how stupid they all look in these pictures and these posters are all over the area close to the coaching center. My physics book and notebook stayed open in front of me and I wasn’t in a mood to study even a word. I lost in my own world of thoughts and.. just lost..

Couple of girls enter in the hall and sat on chairs which were placed far away from my table but in front of me. I noticed them and tried to look back at my books and mind my own business. But as I’ve already told you that I wasn’t interested in them so I opened my notebook from back and grabbed my pencil. The other girl also entered the hall room andΒ  sat opposite to the same table on which those two girls were talking. I took a relieving breath because I didn’t wanted to talk to anybody that time and just be alone. My hand was moving on the page and suddenly I found that those lines which I have traced with my pencil were making a picture of something. Nothing came to my mind so I just concentrated on my random sketching and drew whatever came to my mind. Those girls kept talking and talking and talking. I don’t know how can girls talk like, that much!

I drew a lot of stuff like a peacock feather, my name in some stylish way with 3d shades, my pencil pouch etc. on those two pages of my notebook including postures of those girls in front on me talking a lot. I was feeling refreshing when I was sketching and only an Artist can understand how peaceful your mind becomes when you sketch and draw. I kept drawing passionately and didn’t got distracted by anyone or anything. Those grey shades I made with my pencil were describing every thing I wanted in my life (most probably). I wanted to draw my life by these pencils and some colors you know, I just wanted to make these drawings as my profession. I wanted to explore everything about art world and wanted to just lost in it because I find it really beautiful and calming. I just can’t handle myself when I come to draw things and just want to draw more and more and more and a little more, a bit more too. My drawings mean the world to me because these are the only things in which I find my best friend or you say love, yeah. They just stay with me no matter where I am. I can draw on sand if I do not have paper, I can draw on rock if I do not have sand, I can draw at night from stars if I do not have light. The thing I want to tell is, I LOVE ART.

I kept sketching and sketching because there wasn’t anyone to stop me, exactly ‘no one to stop me!’. After some time, suddenly my physics teacher came and I hurried to open my book and close the notebook in which I have drawn my things. But somehow he saw them and took my notebook from my hands and searched for them. I worried because I thought he will not like the fact that I wasn’t study and passing my time in some stupid sketches. He found them and traced his eyes on every sketch with a little smile on his face. He laughed in the next second which made me more nervous. “What are you doing? Why don’t you go and just achieve your dreams? Why do you want to study science instead of this beautiful art? Huh?” He asked and continued smiling. Little did he know that somewhere somehow, his words hurt me. He took my notebook and showed it to those girls. They also appreciated and were continuously observing their postures and some other sketches. My Sir was aware about why I was in science and not in arts. He started asking me about how did I do that and how I can imagine the stuff like this. He continued talking about me and my hobbies to those girls that I like playing guitar and I’ve got admission in Bachelor of Fine Arts in year 2015 in one of the most popular universities in New Delhi. He also explained how my family didn’t supported me in joining Fine Arts and how I have got to skip a year just because to study science in my future.

I could hear myself crying inside and I just want to run away because I didn’t want to hear anymore about myself. The pain I felt in my chest was exactly like a dark and harsh waves of sea at the time of storm. My eyes were filled with tears and I was trying hard not to cry and I kept smiling and just nodding while Sir was talking to me. He was looking into my eyes and didn’t said a word anymore. I think He was trying to catch the feelings of mine that how down and upset I was feeling. When I felt like I can’t control my tears so I got up and hurried to the exit gate where a water container was placed with a glass on it. I fetched that glass and filled it half with water and drank it in large sips to make my throat a bit loose which was tightened from the suffocation I was feeling at that time. I stood there for 3 minutes to calm down myself and again came in the hall to sit on my chair. It was really hard for me to accept the fact that I cannot draw and paint anymore for my own happiness. Sir looked at me and he knew that I was crying so he tried to cheer me up and ordered a cold drink for all of us.

I was quiet because it was killing me inside that I cannot make my future in these sketches. I was quiet because those smiles and those eyes watching my drawings and appreciating the art, was the thing I hated the most. I hate when people use to say good things about my art. I know what you are thinking, people feel proud when someone says good things to their work and I am the only one who hates it, strange! isn’t it. Can you think what is the reason behind it? because I don’t want to share it here. I don’t know I’m just not feeling ready.

The art is one of the most beautiful things we have in this world and it plays a big role in my life. I love to sketch on my walls and just lost in the world of colors. I love to make different shades on my drawing sheets on sceneries. I love to buy colorful sheets and decorative stuff because these little things make me feel good inside. But at the same time I hate them because they make me feel good and frustrated at the same time. I have to leave this gift from god because an important part of my life doesn’t want me to do it. He hates the fact that I draw and not concentrate on my future in medical line. I just can’t handle myself in terms of arts. This whole thing is based on the fact that I am from middle class Indian family, where there’s nothing like ‘Follow your Dreams’. A lot of people here can’t achieve their dreams because this society isn’t allowing them to get there. No matter how passionate you are about your thing, you have to do what ever is good in eyes of your families and societies. Just like engineers, doctors, architectures etc.

Why so many people are jobless? What is the reason behind that most of the people do not enjoy their works? In ‘So many people’ there are ‘some’ who are forced to be in that situation and there are also some people who doesn’t get any platform in their works where they could earn at least for their needs. There’s no man alive on this earth who doesn’t dreams about his life to mold it in his own way. But the society who will never grow up here will always put its finger in ones life. It’s really hard to survive in the society where you can’t follow the way you want to. Same case is with me, I can’t make my life in a way that I wanted to just because of my family and society. Because they will never let me go out and see the world with my eyes. And of course I’m a girl, this is also one of the reasons why I can’t make my dreams come true. It’s stupid, isn’t it?

I can’t do anything with my life, I mean I can’t change anything. I just have to walk on the way which my family has prepared for me. They always do things for my betterment and maybe this decision also belongs to that ‘betterment’. I know that I’m not happy with it but somehow, every time I end up with compromising with my dreams. It’s really depressing how people like me can’t get what they want.

People, please! I just want you to FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS and please do not be like me because it’s so frustrating and sometimes you just can’t handle yourself. The nights in which I’ve cried and didn’t slept for hours, the days in which I was filled with anger and just shut people out, the times I was so depressed that I can’t explain. I just don’t want to see you guys suffering from the times which I have been through. Please understand the values of your dreams and your talent. You really matter because remember always that not everyone can do what YOU CAN DO. I know, YOU CAN DO and YOU WILL DO IT!.