The Crushed Reverie..

One day I was in my coaching sitting alone in the hall and staring at all the posters and pictures of students who cleared their entrances and got higher percentages than average students (like me). I kept staring at them and wondering how stupid they all look in these pictures and these posters are all over the area close to the coaching center. My physics book and notebook stayed open in front of me and I wasn’t in a mood to study even a word. I lost in my own world of thoughts and.. just lost..

Couple of girls enter in the hall and sat on chairs which were placed far away from my table but in front of me. I noticed them and tried to look back at my books and mind my own business. But as I’ve already told you that I wasn’t interested in them so I opened my notebook from back and grabbed my pencil. The other girl also entered the hall room andΒ  sat opposite to the same table on which those two girls were talking. I took a relieving breath because I didn’t wanted to talk to anybody that time and just be alone. My hand was moving on the page and suddenly I found that those lines which I have traced with my pencil were making a picture of something. Nothing came to my mind so I just concentrated on my random sketching and drew whatever came to my mind. Those girls kept talking and talking and talking. I don’t know how can girls talk like, that much!

I drew a lot of stuff like a peacock feather, my name in some stylish way with 3d shades, my pencil pouch etc. on those two pages of my notebook including postures of those girls in front on me talking a lot. I was feeling refreshing when I was sketching and only an Artist can understand how peaceful your mind becomes when you sketch and draw. I kept drawing passionately and didn’t got distracted by anyone or anything. Those grey shades I made with my pencil were describing every thing I wanted in my life (most probably). I wanted to draw my life by these pencils and some colors you know, I just wanted to make these drawings as my profession. I wanted to explore everything about art world and wanted to just lost in it because I find it really beautiful and calming. I just can’t handle myself when I come to draw things and just want to draw more and more and more and a little more, a bit more too. My drawings mean the world to me because these are the only things in which I find my best friend or you say love, yeah. They just stay with me no matter where I am. I can draw on sand if I do not have paper, I can draw on rock if I do not have sand, I can draw at night from stars if I do not have light. The thing I want to tell is, I LOVE ART.

I kept sketching and sketching because there wasn’t anyone to stop me, exactly ‘no one to stop me!’. After some time, suddenly my physics teacher came and I hurried to open my book and close the notebook in which I have drawn my things. But somehow he saw them and took my notebook from my hands and searched for them. I worried because I thought he will not like the fact that I wasn’t study and passing my time in some stupid sketches. He found them and traced his eyes on every sketch with a little smile on his face. He laughed in the next second which made me more nervous. “What are you doing? Why don’t you go and just achieve your dreams? Why do you want to study science instead of this beautiful art? Huh?” He asked and continued smiling. Little did he know that somewhere somehow, his words hurt me. He took my notebook and showed it to those girls. They also appreciated and were continuously observing their postures and some other sketches. My Sir was aware about why I was in science and not in arts. He started asking me about how did I do that and how I can imagine the stuff like this. He continued talking about me and my hobbies to those girls that I like playing guitar and I’ve got admission in Bachelor of Fine Arts in year 2015 in one of the most popular universities in New Delhi. He also explained how my family didn’t supported me in joining Fine Arts and how I have got to skip a year just because to study science in my future.

I could hear myself crying inside and I just want to run away because I didn’t want to hear anymore about myself. The pain I felt in my chest was exactly like a dark and harsh waves of sea at the time of storm. My eyes were filled with tears and I was trying hard not to cry and I kept smiling and just nodding while Sir was talking to me. He was looking into my eyes and didn’t said a word anymore. I think He was trying to catch the feelings of mine that how down and upset I was feeling. When I felt like I can’t control my tears so I got up and hurried to the exit gate where a water container was placed with a glass on it. I fetched that glass and filled it half with water and drank it in large sips to make my throat a bit loose which was tightened from the suffocation I was feeling at that time. I stood there for 3 minutes to calm down myself and again came in the hall to sit on my chair. It was really hard for me to accept the fact that I cannot draw and paint anymore for my own happiness. Sir looked at me and he knew that I was crying so he tried to cheer me up and ordered a cold drink for all of us.

I was quiet because it was killing me inside that I cannot make my future in these sketches. I was quiet because those smiles and those eyes watching my drawings and appreciating the art, was the thing I hated the most. I hate when people use to say good things about my art. I know what you are thinking, people feel proud when someone says good things to their work and I am the only one who hates it, strange! isn’t it. Can you think what is the reason behind it? because I don’t want to share it here. I don’t know I’m just not feeling ready.

The art is one of the most beautiful things we have in this world and it plays a big role in my life. I love to sketch on my walls and just lost in the world of colors. I love to make different shades on my drawing sheets on sceneries. I love to buy colorful sheets and decorative stuff because these little things make me feel good inside. But at the same time I hate them because they make me feel good and frustrated at the same time. I have to leave this gift from god because an important part of my life doesn’t want me to do it. He hates the fact that I draw and not concentrate on my future in medical line. I just can’t handle myself in terms of arts. This whole thing is based on the fact that I am from middle class Indian family, where there’s nothing like ‘Follow your Dreams’. A lot of people here can’t achieve their dreams because this society isn’t allowing them to get there. No matter how passionate you are about your thing, you have to do what ever is good in eyes of your families and societies. Just like engineers, doctors, architectures etc.

Why so many people are jobless? What is the reason behind that most of the people do not enjoy their works? In ‘So many people’ there are ‘some’ who are forced to be in that situation and there are also some people who doesn’t get any platform in their works where they could earn at least for their needs. There’s no man alive on this earth who doesn’t dreams about his life to mold it in his own way. But the society who will never grow up here will always put its finger in ones life. It’s really hard to survive in the society where you can’t follow the way you want to. Same case is with me, I can’t make my life in a way that I wanted to just because of my family and society. Because they will never let me go out and see the world with my eyes. And of course I’m a girl, this is also one of the reasons why I can’t make my dreams come true. It’s stupid, isn’t it?

I can’t do anything with my life, I mean I can’t change anything. I just have to walk on the way which my family has prepared for me. They always do things for my betterment and maybe this decision also belongs to that ‘betterment’. I know that I’m not happy with it but somehow, every time I end up with compromising with my dreams. It’s really depressing how people like me can’t get what they want.

People, please! I just want you to FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS and please do not be like me because it’s so frustrating and sometimes you just can’t handle yourself. The nights in which I’ve cried and didn’t slept for hours, the days in which I was filled with anger and just shut people out, the times I was so depressed that I can’t explain. I just don’t want to see you guys suffering from the times which I have been through. Please understand the values of your dreams and your talent. You really matter because remember always that not everyone can do what YOU CAN DO. I know, YOU CAN DO and YOU WILL DO IT!.

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “The Crushed Reverie..

  1. Thank you. I was expecting these words. πŸ™‚ well! Life goes on and we have to leave somethings as time passes. When there’s a no, maybe there’s a better yes in future. πŸ˜‰

    Like

  2. I don’t feel right when sketch now. I don’t know why but when I was in school i felt independent but now it’s like that I am wasting my time. Even though I love it but I think I am not doing my ‘farz’ well. I can’t explain… I just can’t. Sorry

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow ! Great post got to know you from this…
    Yes an artist can only understand πŸ™‚ though I am not so much of an artist, I just love art…
    Very painful story, I must say. But then you said you can’t change anything, that’s wrong. May be it will take time but change will definitely come… An artist is born artist I feel, if its not happening now may be glad tidings would come in future.
    And the society part its you and me who makes the society, just keep fighting by sketching, painting and writing to the world your feelings… And I am sure you will bring that change, if not today then tomorrow for sure πŸ™‚

    Would love to see your art, why don’t you post some of them here

    Liked by 1 person

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