Yes I am not okay.

I stay quite,

Because i want to be.

I feel useless to talk in front of you all,

Because all you people see my emotions as “anger”.

I tried to make up things,

but you ruined them everytime.

You ask, why I am so upset?

Little did you know, you’re the only reason . 

Your mindset, your ego, your arrogance,

I am done with it but I should not be.

You do some unnecessary shits,

And praise them for God knows what reasons.

You say, you are so irritating,

Yes, I am… because you never tried to know what my heart belongs to.

You do what your fucking mind says,

But now it’s out of my level of peace.

I won’t be able to handle your shitty decisions,

Pardon me darling, you’re not going to lead on my way.

You said, I am changing,

YES I HAVE… atleast you noticed a thing. 

                                –xOx

PROUD to be Yourself…

“Don’t wait until you have reached your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you take towards reaching that goal.”

If you haven’t heard it yet, let me tell you. I’M PROUD OF YOU! For everything you have done to reach here, For every single moment where you have made yourself strong, for every night you cried and suffered through those hardest shits, for every smile you maintain to pass it to someone, and for EVERY thing that I have forgot to mention here. :p I’m sorry about that.. So, this one was my words for you by deep down my heart believe it or not. But there’s also something you should be proud of yourself.

I am going to tell you some reasons you should be proud about yourself. So tighten your seat belts and just go on and read.

1. Proud to be what and whoever you are. There are a lot of people like you on this earth who think that I don’t have a perfect body shape or I don’t like my complexion or I can’t study like other students in my class or I can’t sing or whatever is it. Remember one thing, you are far far and far better than them in the subject you love. You are that great ‘someone‘ that they can never be like even into their wildest dreams.. ~and we danced all night to the best song everrr!~..Oops I’m sorry about that. Maybe you are a musician, maybe you have prettier eyes, maybe you have the biggest heart, maybe you care for people, maybe you can write very well and maybe you listen to your heart, maybe you can eat more fries, maybe you do things behind closed doors not showing to anyone, maybe you know what most of the people don’t know. You are what they are not. Proud to be who you are. Because you are one of a kind.

2. Proud to be born this way. Let me tell you something about myself, I’m a fat girl and I know that very well. I never weigh myself because I know the results will be horrible! And the most important part, I am proud that I have a body like this. I don’t know why! But I love myself having chubby chicks. How stupid this is no?.. But it is important for me. I am what I am and if someone judges me about my body I just listen to them to make sure that they are getting importance. And when they get lost.. I forget that every single thing they have said to me. DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY AND NEVER THINK ABOUT THE NEGATIVES. Love yourself dude!

3. Don’t be proud on everything you do. It’s okay to feel proud about yourself and the stuff you do but it’s not necessary to feel it for everything. Like you beaten up someone without any reason, you passed exam with cheating, you abused animals or any person, and you bullied someone and whatever it is bad and negative. I’m saying this to you because pride comes before fall. Mind it! Yanna rascala..

4. I’m proud to be different; it’s the best thing about me. Is there anything left to say? To explain? Is it? Then let me know about it. Have you ever seen someone who is handicapped or with any disability? I don’t think there are stronger people than those who face problems every morning they wake and every night they sleep. I really LOVE those people and really, I RESPECT them with depth of my heart. Our problems are nothing if we compare them to the angels’ living in this world with their disabilities. You’ve got to learn so much from them and serve respect to those people. And you never know which deed of yours’ God loves the most.

5. YOU ARE AMAZING!. Believe it or not. It’s a truth of the day. Wait, what you said? Why am I amazing? Yeah ok let me tell you. You read this whoooooooole thing and still reading and pretending that I’ll tell you why you are amazing. You are not that stupid right. How can I know what is your passion? If you have any passion then you are AMAZING and if you don’t have any, then you’re still amazing.. I don’t know why.. just amazing..

I’m so confusing right? I know. Passions are really a gift from God to us. It’s a big thing which describes us the best way. I have my passion, you have yours. So let’s change the world with our own colors and thoughts. I know it’s a dramatic line but at least think about it. This is the right time to show what we are and I know that world is gonna accept it in a humble way. The future is waiting for you and your success will lead you to the best, you could ever have been.

Thanks A lot for Reading!

(=xoxo=)

-The Clever Idiot a.k.a Nisha

 

With Love, from Nisha..

Today! I am gonna show you what I would do if you let me live in the freedom. Today, I’m gonna show the original me. Today, I am gonna show you what is my passion and what I love the most.

Okay enough of filmy lines now kaam ki baat (thing of use), I have drew a thing on my wall and I have already told this about to Mr. A-jazz :p. Well, It’s a small tribute to Zayn Malik. I am a HUGE fan of One Direction and as Zayn has left the band (which was really hard for me to accept :/) and he made his new album “Mind of Mine” and I am really really proud of him!. Here’s the picture from my wall-

mind of mine.jpg The picture quality isn’t that good because of my phone (Pff! :p). I am feeling so good by looking at it and I don’t know why! I look so stupid while looking at it. But I want to tell you guys that whatever he is doing I am so proud of Zayn Malik and honestly I can’t choose anyone of them (Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne). I have also written a song’s lyrics for them of ‘Story of my Life’ on my wall. It was one of the songs where they all five boys were together in the video. You might feel bored while reading this if you don’t know them. But you know the teenage love life seems so deep and stupid.

Here’s the previous one I have made about 2 months ago I guess!

somlAgain the picture quality sucks. ahh well!

This one’s for my life, I mean for the band. I hope you guys would like to comment for the pics!

With Love,

For One Direction,

From Nisha

Thanks for visiting 🙂

 

Maybe I’m Insane..

Maybe I’m insane, maybe I’m senseless, maybe my heart beat was never alive, maybe I was meant to be this, maybe I was born to be forgotten, maybe my life would never be in a way that I wanted, maybe there will be no future of mine, maybe.. maybe..

These things were running in my mind as I sat alone in my room staring at the wall in dim lights. The weather was a bit cold those days which felt a bit good. I was thinking about myself like why am I here? what else sorrow is there left to enter my life? How many complications are there left to come? etc. I am the type of person who advises every body to be strong, to believe in yourselves, to keep smiling, to never give up ever in their lives. But, hardly any one know that I am the same kind of a girl like them. I cry at late nights, I manage to give a fake smile, I laugh a lot, I dance alone or even in front of my friends or family, I sing loudly to feel better as it works like screaming out loud, I cry behind the doors, I try to harm myself (but never succeeded). I have lots of problems but I don’t know if you have more and complicated problems than me. It’s possible because we all don’t know each other’s lives. Every single person around you have a different life and different problems no matter how hard or easy they are to handle.

My eyes were wet and tears were running continuously but I hadn’t made any sound or cried. You know that crying? It’s the most broken cry and the harsh one you could ever have. The silence is the loudest scream we girls have and I don’t know if guys have it too, maybe we girls are Insane. I don’t know but hardly a person could understand what is going through a girl’s mind. Girls don’t show their feelings but you can easily see it just by looking in their eyes. The eyes of a girl never lies, it all says the truth. I am really good at hiding my feelings but somehow my loved one will knew from my voice tone that I’m upset or had a bad time somewhere.

A man will never want to say his feelings to anyone. They just don’t want to share their thoughts with anyone unless there’s someone beside them who they love a lot. They share their feelings who is always first from all the things present in their life. And you know that there’s always a woman who stays in one’s life to make it heaven or hell. It depends on that woman’s mind, heart and soul to make it better or even worse.

As I was crying for a lot of reasons, I was really angry about myself and the things present in it. It was really tough night for me that I can’t sleep. I went to bathroom and splashed water on my whole body and came back to the bed. I increased the speed of the fan that made me feel shivers from cold. I lay on my bed and just didn’t moved, but I was feeling really cold that at a moment I wished to die because it was painful, yeah! maybe I’m insane. My body became pale and cold and seeing that was kind of different feeling for me, I mean I smiled looking at my hands which pale. I repeated this a couple of times more because it was making me feel good at the same time. It was freezing, hurting, painful, shivering experience for me. It’s really weird right? as I have told you, maybe I’m insane.

It’s funny how we find ways to feel pain on our body instead of our heart. Don’t you think? I know problems really matter, they are really harsh and rigid, they’ll never leave us alone. But think! There is nothing more important than you, I should say this to me also. Just try not to complain about your problems to God. He made us for a reason and you know that one day there will be a day, after which there will be no tomorrow. Maybe I’m insane, I don’t have any right to say because I’m also into this, but I have to say this that please do not try to harm yourself. This will never give you any climax. Just trust me I’m sure you won’t be disappointed by the results.

One thing I want to say about myself, do not judge me about my existence. I mean if I have said that I the person who tries to harm herself, I believe in the words which are ‘Never give up, as there’s a lot to come, but there’s always a morning after a stormy night’.

Guys! please give me suggestion for how to control my mind. I’m really going insane. Just help me overcome that if you care about someone’s future life. 😉

A Letter to my Daughter..

The day you will enter this world you will find so many kinds of people..

But sweety, don’t be afraid of them they are just illusion…

They will judge you, they will make you feel at worse,

They will do every thing what makes you feel upset..

They will always try to ruin you and destroy your confidence..

You will face a lot of difficulties here, But don’t you give up because I’ll be there to pick you up..

I promise I’ll take care of you when you fall ill..

I promise I’ll be there to pick you up and set up your Tiara..

I’ll never pressurize you for what you don’t want to do..

Sometimes, you will find me strict on you but that will be only for you..

This world will try to confuse you in your whole life..

Some will say you look exactly like your mum..

Some will say your eyes are like your mum’s..

Some will judge you about your looks and lumps..

I want you to feel happy about yourself..

Because you’re beautiful, don’t forget that my little sunshine..

Live life to the fullest and don’t worry about the negatives..

God will take care about them, when I’m gone..

Never ever ever give up on your dreams in any way..

Because not everyone got potential to do that..

Promise me you will be what I am not today..

You will do whatever your heart says and achieve things as much as you can..

I wish you’ll miss me when I’m gone, with a smile on your face but not tears..

Because I can’t see this pretty girl crying in fears..

I will do everything what makes you feel happy, brave and revive..

Since I know how it feels to live in a grave when you’re alive…

The Crushed Reverie..

One day I was in my coaching sitting alone in the hall and staring at all the posters and pictures of students who cleared their entrances and got higher percentages than average students (like me). I kept staring at them and wondering how stupid they all look in these pictures and these posters are all over the area close to the coaching center. My physics book and notebook stayed open in front of me and I wasn’t in a mood to study even a word. I lost in my own world of thoughts and.. just lost..

Couple of girls enter in the hall and sat on chairs which were placed far away from my table but in front of me. I noticed them and tried to look back at my books and mind my own business. But as I’ve already told you that I wasn’t interested in them so I opened my notebook from back and grabbed my pencil. The other girl also entered the hall room and  sat opposite to the same table on which those two girls were talking. I took a relieving breath because I didn’t wanted to talk to anybody that time and just be alone. My hand was moving on the page and suddenly I found that those lines which I have traced with my pencil were making a picture of something. Nothing came to my mind so I just concentrated on my random sketching and drew whatever came to my mind. Those girls kept talking and talking and talking. I don’t know how can girls talk like, that much!

I drew a lot of stuff like a peacock feather, my name in some stylish way with 3d shades, my pencil pouch etc. on those two pages of my notebook including postures of those girls in front on me talking a lot. I was feeling refreshing when I was sketching and only an Artist can understand how peaceful your mind becomes when you sketch and draw. I kept drawing passionately and didn’t got distracted by anyone or anything. Those grey shades I made with my pencil were describing every thing I wanted in my life (most probably). I wanted to draw my life by these pencils and some colors you know, I just wanted to make these drawings as my profession. I wanted to explore everything about art world and wanted to just lost in it because I find it really beautiful and calming. I just can’t handle myself when I come to draw things and just want to draw more and more and more and a little more, a bit more too. My drawings mean the world to me because these are the only things in which I find my best friend or you say love, yeah. They just stay with me no matter where I am. I can draw on sand if I do not have paper, I can draw on rock if I do not have sand, I can draw at night from stars if I do not have light. The thing I want to tell is, I LOVE ART.

I kept sketching and sketching because there wasn’t anyone to stop me, exactly ‘no one to stop me!’. After some time, suddenly my physics teacher came and I hurried to open my book and close the notebook in which I have drawn my things. But somehow he saw them and took my notebook from my hands and searched for them. I worried because I thought he will not like the fact that I wasn’t study and passing my time in some stupid sketches. He found them and traced his eyes on every sketch with a little smile on his face. He laughed in the next second which made me more nervous. “What are you doing? Why don’t you go and just achieve your dreams? Why do you want to study science instead of this beautiful art? Huh?” He asked and continued smiling. Little did he know that somewhere somehow, his words hurt me. He took my notebook and showed it to those girls. They also appreciated and were continuously observing their postures and some other sketches. My Sir was aware about why I was in science and not in arts. He started asking me about how did I do that and how I can imagine the stuff like this. He continued talking about me and my hobbies to those girls that I like playing guitar and I’ve got admission in Bachelor of Fine Arts in year 2015 in one of the most popular universities in New Delhi. He also explained how my family didn’t supported me in joining Fine Arts and how I have got to skip a year just because to study science in my future.

I could hear myself crying inside and I just want to run away because I didn’t want to hear anymore about myself. The pain I felt in my chest was exactly like a dark and harsh waves of sea at the time of storm. My eyes were filled with tears and I was trying hard not to cry and I kept smiling and just nodding while Sir was talking to me. He was looking into my eyes and didn’t said a word anymore. I think He was trying to catch the feelings of mine that how down and upset I was feeling. When I felt like I can’t control my tears so I got up and hurried to the exit gate where a water container was placed with a glass on it. I fetched that glass and filled it half with water and drank it in large sips to make my throat a bit loose which was tightened from the suffocation I was feeling at that time. I stood there for 3 minutes to calm down myself and again came in the hall to sit on my chair. It was really hard for me to accept the fact that I cannot draw and paint anymore for my own happiness. Sir looked at me and he knew that I was crying so he tried to cheer me up and ordered a cold drink for all of us.

I was quiet because it was killing me inside that I cannot make my future in these sketches. I was quiet because those smiles and those eyes watching my drawings and appreciating the art, was the thing I hated the most. I hate when people use to say good things about my art. I know what you are thinking, people feel proud when someone says good things to their work and I am the only one who hates it, strange! isn’t it. Can you think what is the reason behind it? because I don’t want to share it here. I don’t know I’m just not feeling ready.

The art is one of the most beautiful things we have in this world and it plays a big role in my life. I love to sketch on my walls and just lost in the world of colors. I love to make different shades on my drawing sheets on sceneries. I love to buy colorful sheets and decorative stuff because these little things make me feel good inside. But at the same time I hate them because they make me feel good and frustrated at the same time. I have to leave this gift from god because an important part of my life doesn’t want me to do it. He hates the fact that I draw and not concentrate on my future in medical line. I just can’t handle myself in terms of arts. This whole thing is based on the fact that I am from middle class Indian family, where there’s nothing like ‘Follow your Dreams’. A lot of people here can’t achieve their dreams because this society isn’t allowing them to get there. No matter how passionate you are about your thing, you have to do what ever is good in eyes of your families and societies. Just like engineers, doctors, architectures etc.

Why so many people are jobless? What is the reason behind that most of the people do not enjoy their works? In ‘So many people’ there are ‘some’ who are forced to be in that situation and there are also some people who doesn’t get any platform in their works where they could earn at least for their needs. There’s no man alive on this earth who doesn’t dreams about his life to mold it in his own way. But the society who will never grow up here will always put its finger in ones life. It’s really hard to survive in the society where you can’t follow the way you want to. Same case is with me, I can’t make my life in a way that I wanted to just because of my family and society. Because they will never let me go out and see the world with my eyes. And of course I’m a girl, this is also one of the reasons why I can’t make my dreams come true. It’s stupid, isn’t it?

I can’t do anything with my life, I mean I can’t change anything. I just have to walk on the way which my family has prepared for me. They always do things for my betterment and maybe this decision also belongs to that ‘betterment’. I know that I’m not happy with it but somehow, every time I end up with compromising with my dreams. It’s really depressing how people like me can’t get what they want.

People, please! I just want you to FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS and please do not be like me because it’s so frustrating and sometimes you just can’t handle yourself. The nights in which I’ve cried and didn’t slept for hours, the days in which I was filled with anger and just shut people out, the times I was so depressed that I can’t explain. I just don’t want to see you guys suffering from the times which I have been through. Please understand the values of your dreams and your talent. You really matter because remember always that not everyone can do what YOU CAN DO. I know, YOU CAN DO and YOU WILL DO IT!.